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How Much Money Can Be Saved Regulating Toilet Paper Use

Our receptionist sent us an e-mail about an hour ago that the water here on the top 5 floors of the Crowne Plaza in downtown Billings was shut off for maintenance. As a result we have to go down to either the 18th floor or the main floor to use the restroom. I chose the 1st floor and ran into a roadblock I like to call a toilet paper regulator… or a toilet paper governor… whichever term you prefer. I didn’t think they made these things anymore as I hadn’t run into one in years. I thought there must have been some popular uprising banning their use but apparently here at the Crowne Plaza they didn’t get the memo.

In case you’re not familiar, it’s one of those simple machines that locks the dispenser mechanism whenever the length of two squares has been dispensed. How lazy do they think people are? Do they think we’re stupid enough to try to figure out how to make do with just two squares, throw our filthy hands up in the air and say “Oh, well” without even trying to wait all of one second before tearing off another two squares and then two at a time again until such time as the waste removal is complete? Or maybe they think we are all voracious carnivores who eat no roughage until our stools exit like buckshot. (That reminds me, years ago Sheryl Crow was lauded in an environmental news website for only using one square of toilet paper per session. How is that possible? It’s hard to imagine Ms. Crow has eaten a steak in her life and the fact is radicchio leaves a trail if you know what I mean).

Someone has to tell these barbarians to unlock the pillowy softness of quality T.P. from the shackles of their captors… namely, the bean counters at the Crowne Plaza corporate office and their crappy actuaries who’ve determined that the chain can save $50,000 (made up number) worldwide by locking down our needs with the Catherine Wheel of toilet paper dispensers. May we’ll be lucky enough to see them clenching their cheeks to relieve a T.P. deficient itch!

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