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The Least Romantic Things I’ve Ever Said Or Done

The Seattle Times/MCT via Getty Images
Well unfortunately my wife has endured the brunt of my insensitivity so let’s start there. I met her in 1994 and on just our 3rd date I took her to a comedy show. Because I liked her I felt I had to do something but because it was only our 3rd date I didn’t want it to be too serious so I bought her a card with a large letter “E” on it with whoosh marks in behind. Get it? For Valentine’s Day I got her a “quick E”. I crack me up.

On our 2nd Valentine’s Day together we were living together so obviously I had to do something more significant. For weeks leading up to the made up, put pressure on guys to top the year before Hallmark frickin’ holiday (do I sound bitter?) my wife said “don’t waste your money on flowers… they just die anyway and I really don’t want them”… a lie of epic proportions. Gentlemen, that is a test to see how gullible you are. Don’t believe it. Unless your lady is allergic to roses you better buy some unless you have an even better gift to give. Of course I was stupid and listened to her. Because I lack any romantic creativity whatsoever I bought her a bag of coffee beans and a bottle of Boone’s Farm. Lest you think I’m cheap she actually likes Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill and cannot stand regular wine. Needless to say she was underwhelmed, especially after she bought me a $69 PDA (which in 1994 was pretty cool). I immediately ran out and bought a dozen roses but it was too late for the save.

The least romantic thing I’ve ever done should be #1 on this list but it wasn’t related to Valentine’s Day so I’m putting it last. I asked my wife to marry me without having bought her a ring and I pretty much just woke up, rolled over and asked. I’m sure that really swept her off of her feet.

So the morals of the story are… 1) Always buy flowers for her on Valentine’s Day unless there is a really good reason not to 2) Put some thought into anything you’re going to do to capture her heart and 3) Spend more than 20 bucks. As they say, no one is completely useless… they can always serve as a bad example. Glad I could help.

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