Gentle Reader, if you are under 45 years old and don't want to hear about this, please feel free to check out Michael Foth's article on Montana Gifts You'll Find at Walmart.  Or scroll down to learn how to tell the difference between a tourist and a transplant in our state and some great dive bars.

This piece is for folks 45 and older.  Get ready.  You will be facing (well, not literally) a medical procedure in which the preparation before is harder than the actually procedure: the Colonoscopy.  My weekend is spent with this in the forefront.

First, an admittance.  I had tried twice before to prep for a colonoscopy and failed both times.  The first prep was a couple pills and a lot of water, but it didn't completely clean me out.  The second attempt was with the gallon of GoLightly, I think it was called, and the taste was so horrid I couldn't choke it down, so again I wasn't cleaned out.  Both times the process made me rather sick.  So here is my third attempt much overdue.

This time I prepared a day before the actual prep.  My appointment is Monday, the prep starts Sunday afternoon.  So on Saturday I got the ball rolling with a laxative.  Worked on trivia questions for next Wednesday and an article on Spirit Halloween, and stayed close to a bathroom.  Had two massive movements and two smaller.  My only "meals" Saturday were an Instant Breakfast with milk and tomato basil soup with cheese.

Sunday morning I couldn't get anything out.  Maybe I was cleaned out before the cleaning out.  This looked hopeful.

The downside Sunday is only clear fluids going in.  No solid food, no dairy, and no drink that's red, blue or purple.  Just this side of fasting.  I have some fat around my middle and some cellulite on my legs I can run on for the next couple days.

At 3:00 I took a couple Dulcolax tablets but after an hour the only effect is a rumbling tummy.  Started the Gatorade laced with Miralax at 5 and thought there was nothing more in me.

Boy was I wrong, with a total blowout 45 minutes later.  Bathroom fan on and canned air freshener ready.

dog toilet
Photo: damedeeso, TSM Media Center
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This is actually going much easier so far, having two cups of Gatorade/Miralax in 30 minutes then taking a break for 15.  One trick I found is mint tea because the mint taste settles the stomach.

By 7:30 in the evening, I felt much clearer without the nausea as before.  The prep continues in the morning with the colonoscopy in the afternoon.

The folks from the Montana Harvest Natural Food Store have said repeatedly that we carry an extra 20-30 pounds of waste material in our bodies.  With the prep these past couple days, I'm seeing their point.

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