#5. Entropy isn't what it used to be.

#4. Pavlov is having lunch when the phone rings. He jumps up and says "Crap, I forgot to feed the dog!"

#3. A computer programmers girlfriend tells him to "Go to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, grab a dozen". So the programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

#2. A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says "5 beers please".

#1. It's hard to explain puns to a kleptomaniac because they always take things literally.