Now that Bruce Jenner is identifying as a woman despite not having had that "special" surgery and Rachel Dolezal (the former head of the Spokane chapter of the NAACP) is identifying as black despite actually being white it's become apparent to me that other people have to treat me based on the way I identify as opposed to what I actually am in order to not appear to be a bigot.

In light of these new realities I'd like to announce that I am identifying as a billionaire. That means you have to kiss my butt, try to be my friend and beg for money even though I have none to lend you because I am middle class and I have bills... but that doesn't matter because I'm identifying as a billionaire. I only have one question... where's my money?