Open Letter: Thank You for Being Fast, But How Do I Eat This?

Dear Jimmy John's,

In my experience, you truly have been "freaky fast." Thank you for that. I snapped a picture of the Italian Nightclub "Unwhich" that I always get from you guys. "Unwhich" means that it's wrapped in lettuce rather than being on a bun. I miss bread, but I try to steer clear of bread and pasta these days.

One question for Jimmy John's: Do I need to take some sort of class on how to unwrap these things? I feel like you need this knowledge passed down to you. This is an extremely securely wrapped food item. And I used brute force to get the last little bite of food when I got to the bottom. But by doing this, the floor of my pickup looked like somebody let off a lettuce bomb.

Thank you, Mark.

But as long as I'm on fast food, I've got a couple more for you. Attention to everybody who sells soft shell tacos: quit squishing my food when you wrap them. A taco is a delicate little food item that when properly wrapped, should remind you of a crescent moon on a warm summer evening. When they come out of the bag looking like they had just been in a demolition derby, you have been over-aggressive with my grub.

Next. You people who are in the drive-through in front of me, I have this question: Is this the very first time that you've ever been to a McDonald's/Wendy's/Taco Bell? How could you not know what to order?

Yes, these really are the toughest things in my wonderful life. But I just wanted you to know that if you have ever "slow ordered" in front of me, I called you a name.